my life in peril

i once dreamt of beaches and strings, of eagles and sand, of parties and blues. i sense i can almost wake up in an ocean of bliss. but i am taken back by fear and anguish. and even before my eternity starts i should now learn to kiss defeat for i must not choose between faith and trust. looking back i now realize what curse eros has brought me. if only i learned to submit and forgive i would not need to endure nature’s revenge. and now i am dying in pain and shame. and paralyzed by fear and even more terrified to forward into uncertainty. i feel so weak and stupid. for I realize that i am making the biggest regret of my life.

me over matter

if only i can build a wall around me
to obscure me from your judgmental eyes
i would do so
if i could only live in an island where i could be alone
away from your hurtful thoughts
i would definitely feel glad
if only i could be the one you expect me to be
so everything would fit you perfectly
i would rather die.......

boring...bored, bored, bored!

A major - you love to live life to the full. You
have a vibrant social life and are not afraid
to take life as it comes. You are content,
bright and often spontaneous.


what key signature are you?
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.........

iiiiiiiimmmmmmmmm still alive!

well first i need help. i desperately want a persian cat. i’ve been searching for a couple of weeks now and i just can’t find the purrfect one. also don’t have time to see each one of them personally. so if you know someone who is selling persian kittens, female, 3-5 months, white,blue/gray,cream or Himalayan and well of course CHEAP and willing to send me pictures (of the kittens, syempre) please let me know. you’re help would be greatly appreciated.

second, some though is bugging me since the start of this week. i received a text telling that my 21 yo cousin/inaanak was rushed to the hospital due to severe abdominal pain. laboratory work ups showed a 10 cm cyst in one of her ovaries. it was causing her so much pain that the possible way to alleviate this is to remove it. so on that same day, she had an oophorectomy, meaning her ovary where the cyst is was removed. the doctor opted to remove only one ovary hoping that somehow she could still have babies but would definitely be having difficulty. worst is she’s still single and a 3 cm cyst was also found in the other ovary and still growing. making her chances of getting pregnant even lesser. it’s probably the wish of every woman to someday have a child of her own, to enjoy the feeling of someone alive growing inside you and there she is deprived of that gift at 21. i know she’s having a hard time physically and emotionally. i just wish i could always be at her side now. tomorrow i’d be seeing her. i’m dying to wrap her in a comforting hug but i’m afraid coz for sure she will ask me things that i’m not sure i have the answer. or that no one has the answer……..

ZzZzZzzzzz

yeah i know i should be in school right now but today is suppose to be a transport holiday. that means we should have no classes but unfortunately we have. so I just declared one for myself. too bad coz i still need to go to school early this morning coz we are the reporters for my pathology correlates class. but at least were done and i can now call my thursday mornings off for the rest of the semester. actually we’re required to attend them but who’s interested in journal reports anyway?! it’s not that i’m being tamad or anything. i just want to make better use of my time coz i hate listening to journal reports of my classmates that they themselves can’t understand. i’m not saying that they are not good or anything coz i don’t really listen talaga....... bye bye still need to get some more sleep!

uncrossed bridges

who said no one can ever bite his tongue? and red can never be white. yesterday we finally we had the courage to settle things down. we went to teriyaki boy to have a really private talk. but none actually mentioned anything about the issue. maybe we were all waiting for someone to finally break the current. but none was able to open the topic. the date was really running smoothly and perhaps no one can afford to bring up the tension. I thought the rendezvous was going to be useless. we are in talking terms already but i still feel a little uneasy being with her. but as we were about to leave she gave each one of us a letter and a key. a key symbolizing our place in her heart. i think i was the only one who took the courage to read it at that same moment. but still that step definitely changed everything. i felt that the wall between us suddenly collapsed and our hearts melting down. i mentioned before that i’m not mad anymore and i really mean it. and i never thought that it would be this happy to hear from someone that you will forever be treasured. i’m hoping that we could still be together again and i’m counting on for more “happy times together”- DVDs, cutting classes, food cravings, weekly groceries, bulacan adventure and sitting in class together.

some wishful thinking

Lord, please let me go to heaven someday coz i know my friends won't be there. AMEN!!!

amen?!?

heartburn

remember the day i told you i would always be there. how we are suppose to be collectively known as one. that we always have each other’s shoulder to cry on. i thought i could be there for you. as in really be there for you. i thought it’s easy. not that i’m being selfish. nor do i care less. it’s only because i’m afraid to take the risk. you just don’t know. that i’m even more hopeless than you are. more worried than you expected. more hurt than i should. and i find it paralyzing, numbing, and frustrating. because all i can do is watch you…….